Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
God I need to hump something, right now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
