You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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