i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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