So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
