We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
my being single is dangerous.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
