Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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