Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
