you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
