Even the bartender felt bad for me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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