That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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