Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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