I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
