So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
