god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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