who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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