so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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