dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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