end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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