after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize