I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
