I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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