i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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