I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
