OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
