I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
