You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
