I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
