i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
