Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
