remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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