toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
