Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I smell stomach acid.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
