I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
