i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
