Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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