I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
