i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
