I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
