Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
