"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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