Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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