I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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