I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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