If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
