My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
