Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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