all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
found the other keg... it's in the tree
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
