he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
