Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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