If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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