Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
