did you get engaged???
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
