Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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