You work out of a Hotel?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
