hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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