My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Randomize