i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize