Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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