he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
