the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
