Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
