So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
