Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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