I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
