Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
