i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
